Year 3: Week 5: Still not missed a 9am

Look at me on Week 5 actually writing a post on the week it happened. I'm proud of me.

Monday 9am, always my favourite - a member of my Digital Magazine Publishing group wasn't there so we didn't get too much work done but I was there for three hours and was very productive in my two hour lunch break. I then went to my photography lecture and made the elected decision to not go to studio because it's not been very useful so far and going to Asda and going home worked in my favour.

I tried a new recipe for dinner and I didn't like it but I tried it and that's the important bit right?

Tuesday 9am was another FMP lecture that was actually quite useful - it made me think about how I was going to present my story and what I wanted to create. My FMP meeting was good because I could actually talk about these things and then I had a good five hours getting stuff done before my seminar in the afternoon, which turned out to be a law refresher that I really wish I hadn't gone to. But I got more stuff done and that's the important bit. I say that too often wow.

Then instead of going to drama like a usual Tuesday night, I went into London to see dodie and it was a weird gig - YouTube events always weird me out because it's always a bunch of 14 year olds who think they know everything and cheer when dodie asks 'who here has mental health problems' and that really fucked with my head. I had a panic attack and spent most of the night hearing songs that I relate to with my mental health live and it was a weird place to be. I don't know if I could hack seeing dodie live again but I was glad to have my boyfriend with me and I mostly went for the sweater I wanted to be to be honest.

Then Wednesday was News Day. It was my first time being a News Journalist for a few weeks and I wasn't a big fan, but with my favourite lecturer and utter legend Jon Ferrero being so overly kind and saying some really sweet things about my progress and how I handled the story I was on, I nearly burst into tears and it motivated me through the day. So it wasn't all bad!

Thursday, my day off that is never a day off - I had a meeting with the SU and Drama and Performance with Sonar Film and that actually went really well, then I went to the gym and I went way too hard, I think I sprained my ankle but I ignored it and am continuing to ignore it. I thought when I got home I'd have a shower, make lunch, tidy my room, film a couple of videos before I needed to go back into uni.

That didn't happen.

What happened was that I had a shower and had lunch then fell asleep and had to go straight into uni when I woke up. I was very disappointed in myself.

The reason I went back into uni was for an alumni event that the uni was running - we had a stand for Sonar Film, we got to get the word out a bit that we aren't just for students and that anyone can come (like our Facebook page please) and I had a good old chat with a bunch of people that graduated my course last year and it was nice to catch up with them.

Then Friday is was back to glorious 9am starts wasn't it! Though this lecture was actually semi interesting, I actually made notes which I haven't done for the last couple of weeks. It was then to our weekly coffee shop meetings with the Digital Magazine girls and as per, we got literally nothing done but we had the greatest catch up and sorted the world out.

Afternoon seminar was also surprisingly useful - I had a full on debate with my lecturer and I think I made him think a little bit and it was nice to have that discussion, it was actually useful for my essay too. Then I had to go straight to a meeting with the other Sonar Media presidents to try and do a bit of event planning for next week which went well, then I played a couple of rounds of MarioKart in the university's cinema room before drama rehearsals.

What I love about my FitBit is that it's not very good at recognising what kind of exercise I'm doing, so I spent the best part of three hours dancing and singing to Footloose but my FitBit panicked and when I looked under the 'exercise' section when I got home it just labelled it as 'Sport' and I for one found that quite funny. I imagine if I told that story not in written words it would make more sense.

Saturday was a much needed chill day - I'd been saying for a few days that I wasn't going to leave the house on Saturday and for the most part I didn't. I slept in till 10.30am which I haven't done for so long, I pottered a bit, I made lunch with my boyfriend, I napped even though I'd already had 9 hours sleep and then I slowly started actually doing some work. We ordered food for dinner, we wondered over to Sainsburys because I'd run out of cans of coke (I have an addition I can't help it) (to coca cola that is, not the class A drug), then made brownies off some buzzfeed recipe I'd seen and watched a few episodes of the Flash before going to bed.

Sunday night I slept really badly, maybe it was because I slept so much the night before but I didn't sleep well at all, I remember seeing 2.13am on the clock but I think it was really 1.13am (the second one) because of the clocks going back and then my boyfriend was up really early to work at the open day at uni so I've been up since half past seven this morning. 

But today I'm taking it slow - I'm not feeling great mentally, I haven't for most of this week so I'm skipping the gym and saving my energy for work later. My focus for next week is to really try and eat more healthily and stop snacking - it's hard to eat healthy when everyone around you is screaming for pizza and take out, particularly when the one you make dinner with predominantly lives off a diet of bourbon biscuits and will never put on a pound. I know my weight is part of the reason I'm feeling so low but if I don't try then it's only going to get work and diet is 80% of loosing weight so I really need to get on that. 

Maybe I'll actually call the Doctors this week, maybe.

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Year 3: Week 4: Losing Control Again

Week 4 - getting back on track - let's do this.

Monday 9am was more interesting because my usual lecturer for Digital Magazine Publishing wasn't there - I actually felt like we had support and help rather than someone who would rather see us fail and that was a nice start to the day. In the break before photography I think I went to the Sonar Media office to work but I can't remember because I'm still kind of ill (I'm writing this on Saturday, yes it's been a week and half now) and my brain has had a long week.

I managed to go to the lecture for Advance Photography and I got to chat through my assignment idea with my lecturer which was great but the studio seminar was too much and I needed to go home. I ended up doing a weekly shop in Asda with my boyfriend and had a nice rest before going to my first pilates class at the gym - god it was a workout but it was actually nice to be worked that hard.

Tuesday 9am - I made it, haven't missed one yet. This week I actually really enjoyed because it focused more on the mechanics and giving us advice on how to make our FMP and that was nice to me, particularly because it really showed me that I had actually thought about this a lot and I know what I wanted to make.

Then I had my usual 5 hour gap - I had an FMP meeting at 10am, I went and did an audio interview about mental health at 10.30am and I had a meeting with another society president at 11am. Then I had to work on my first multimedia story hand in, which as per - I had left until the last minute.

It took me the entire break and another half an hour before the deadline to submit and I'm not massively happy with it but I know what to work on for my next package - find a story with more substance that I don't have to stretch thin and time management.

From there I had drama rehearsals and boy did it kill my throat - 2 hours of rehearsing a song from Hamilton that I barely know and then another hour or so of rehearsing a song I have lead vocals in and that hurt but it was so much fun. I love performing and I love rehearsals and this is everything I wanted but never got from being on a dance team for two years - it made me so happy even though I probably wasn't well enough to be there.

Then it was 8am for another News Day on the subbing desk - because I covered the role for someone the week before, that didn't mean I didn't have to do my week of the role. This week was more stressful because of the hand in the day before and in total I subbed 34 stories. It was busy but more organised than the week before and I did enjoy it.

I also enjoyed the post-News Day Sprinkles crepe but that's not the point.

And I was grateful for my Thursday off - all of my housemates left the house at 7.30am for a trip they were going on and I didn't mind too much as it meant I was awake and I got a fair amount done in the morning and over lunch.

I then went to the gym - second time in a week - then I got home and had a shower and suddenly, my brain switched off. I needed to start baking for our Sonar Media Bake Off presentation the next day but for some reason all I could do was curl up under a big blanket on my sofa and try to stay awake. Who doesn't love a depression nap when you have loads to do, right?

That evening we started baking and made some disastrous cakes but they were done and ready (ish) for the presentation the next day - we had fun.

Friday morning lecture was as interesting as ever - I just can't engage with this academic unit, I find it so hard to care but I attended and I got lots of Sonar work done which is never a bad thing.

In the break I basically had a lovely catch up with my wonderful friend Becca and it was so nice - I feel like I need my weekly debriefs with her and I thoroughly enjoy them.

Friday seminar was actually really useful as we actually started talking about the essay we have to submit in two months which is nice for my brain to try and organise.

Then after that seminar was the Sonar Media Bake Off results - we came a solid middle ground 2nd which I was actually very pleased with and then I took the left over cake to drama rehearsal like two hours later. In between bake off and drama I had a rather big cry on my boyfriend but I got over that and went to drama anyway.

And that night my boyfriend and I finally started catching up on the Flash Season 3 - I'm so excited to be watching it again! It's so nice to be immersed in this world again and it's nice to care about something so much. With the amount I've been struggling with my mental health recently, my passion has gone - I don't listen to music much anymore, I can't think of the last time I wrote anything creatively, I don't read, I barely watch YouTube let alone make videos or write blog posts, so to want to watch something is really quite reassuring.

I felt the same about Kingsman: The Golden Circle actually - I watched it last Thursday at Sonar Film and last Saturday with my mum and sister and then this Saturday I went to the cinema with my boyfriend (which will never be something I don't enjoy, I love going to the cinema) and I just love this film and how it really makes me feel. I won't spoil it but wow there's one bit that I've cried more and more at each time I've been to see it and I think I'm going to try and fit going to the cinema more often into my schedule because I enjoyed it so much.

And the week is over - Saturday has been a nice chilled day and I'm sitting in the living room listening to the Kingsman soundtrack while my housemates play video games and I'm getting some work done. It's nice to feel like I have the time to work at my own pace rather than having to get stuff done ASAP.

I'm going to a new class at the gym tomorrow morning then I've got work in the afternoon, then tomorrow night I don't think I'm going to do any work at all. Let's start Week 5 in the right mindset - this is the week I actually make a doctors appointment to talk to someone about my mental health.

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Year 3: Week 3: I think I'm in control

I mean starting my post about Week 3 at the beginning of Week 4 is probably a good summary of how Week 3 went, but let's just jump right into it.

Monday - Digital Magazine Publishing I could have done everything in the comfort of my own home. I don't mind getting up for a 9am, I'm normally awake at 8am even on days I don't have to be anywhere but when I've made an effort to get up at 7am and get dressed and get into uni to waste my own time is just a joke.

Photography was along similar lines - the lecture was a reluctant discussion about photos and I spent most of my time on my laptop doing other work (and ordering a new sweater) and then the studio session with too many people where I didn't feel like I learnt a lot. Watching 15 people set up a studio shoot that could be done by one, maybe two or three people tops, is not exciting and I don't feel like I learnt anything at all, which is disappointing.

And Monday evening was so memorable I have literally no recollection of what I did, that's a bit scary.

Tuesday mornings are my FMP lectures and we watched a couple of last years FMP videos and read a couple of the previous years full hand ins and it was a lot, it didn't help that feeling of being overwhelmed and I'm very daunted by the whole prospect right now, but also a little bit excited.

In the break I filmed a prep story about a new KFC burger, I was really proud of the video and you can watch that here.

The afternoon seminar for The Convergence Toolkit was a discussion about some of the stories that went on our website solentjournalism.co.uk on our first live news day and it was quite interesting and useful for us to be able to pick out the good bits and bad bits of stories we've made.

It also turned out that I'd been asked to step in to cover someone who wasn't going to News Day the next day - so I had to go in at 8am for the editorial meeting and I was Chief Sub and Picture Editor.

So Wednesday was long and stressful - the only four prep stories I had to sub and upload I spent about three hours subbing because some of them basically needed completely rewriting, then there was a lull of nothing and then it was every story had been finished and needed subbing immediately then I had to leave before I was done to go do an interview for my package that was due next week. All in all not a great day but also, could have been a lot worse.

Thursday was my beloved day off, because this post is a little bit late and I've had a very long week I've forgotten what I did but I probably didn't stay in bed for as long as I should have.

EDIT: Actually - there was something I did on Thursday, there was a Sonar Media meeting where I needed to feedback to the other Sonar Media committees everything that Sonar Film had done this year, which was interesting and then I worked my first paid showing of the year with Sonar Film - I finally got to see Kingsman: The Golden Circle (and have seen it twice more since) and it was amazing. Actually a pretty good Thursday.

Friday - 9am lectures on communication convergence history, truly thrilling. I think I spent most of the lecture doing Sonar Film work but I attended and that's the important bit. In the break I went for a nice lunch with the digital magazine girls and we decided we'd already done everything we needed to do so it wasn't a massive 'working' lunch but I had a bacon sandwich and it was very much needed before going into a seminar in the afternoon where two peoples phones started randomly beeping and there was a fire drill.

From there, I basically ran home, finished packing my suitcase and ran to the train station to make my way to Luton during rush hour to visit my sister in her new university digs for the first time. One - the Luton campus of Bedfordshire Uni is really modern and the halls are so much nicer than what I had and it was really nice to see.

It was also great to spend some time with my sister and my mum - I was in a financial position this year to be able to buy my sister something I know she really wanted and it was the first time I'd seen my family since I closed my overdraft so it was pretty satisfying.

Saturday I went shopping with my mum and bought this gorgeous deep green long coat from Primark and then we went to see Kingsman (twice in three days - I'm proud) and then I headed back to Southampton for work the next day.

What I forgot to mention is that on the news day I wasn't meant to be subbing, I felt my throat getting worse and worse and suddenly I went from zero to really quite ill. Hence why when I went to work on Sunday I managed an hour before my manager sent me home and I spent the rest of the day napping on the sofa.

I wasn't ready for another week, but one thing my degree hasn't taught me is how to pause time, so I had to get on with it.

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Year 3: Week 2: It's going to be interesting

At the end of Week 1, I was mostly just feeling very Overwhelmed - to be given 15 assignment deadlines in one week was a lot for my anxious, busy heart to hear but I was hoping to get into this week, make a lot of lists and start to feel a bit more organised.

That's not what happened. I spent most of the week with a stress headache that meant I could barely read, focus and to be honest I was struggling to form functioning sentences. Getting 7 hours of sleep a night doesn't seem to be doing anything for me.

Monday is my busiest day of classes - three hours in the morning, three hours in the afternoon - Digital Magazine Publishing is one of the least stressful units I'm working on because I have an amazing group with a great idea and a good work ethic so the worst bit about those classes is the 9am and the pointless activities (and the fact we're working on our Digital Magazine but not being told what we have to do for our case study that's due in like four weeks).

Advanced Photography is a really fun class - I love the studio work and I'm excited for the assignment, but I just keep forgetting I need to work on that too. I'm used to doing three units before Christmas and three after but now I'm working on five units at once and I'm struggling to comprehend that. I'm enjoying the unit and we had fun with a smaller class in the studio on Monday but I really need to read over the assignment brief and make some notes of ideas.

Tuesday, another 9am that hurt my heart a bit - the morning lecture was useful as I found out more about how we're meant to structure our presentations. After that lecture I had my first meeting with my FMP tutor, we had a long chat about what I'm concerned about and what I'm thinking about in terms of my project. It was an eye opening chat and I'm feeling both better and infinitely worse about approaching my last year now - I've spent a lot of this week thinking about my mental health and going to a doctor about it but that's super scary.

Wednesday was our first live news day of the year - I was working on a story about Twitter upping it's character count and it was interesting. It was a fairly simple story, I enjoyed working with my team on it and with the other teams around the room - it didn't feel like my team working on my story for no reason, it felt like everyone in the room was really working together and it was nice to feel that industry standard of journalism.

But Wednesday night wasn't my night. I kept hiding away in my room because I couldn't face even sitting in the same room as my house mates because I just felt this enormous pressure in my chest. Then my boyfriend, my darling boyfriend, came upstairs to check on me and I broke - I couldn't see, I couldn't breathe, nothing felt real, I felt like I was floating in a dream and somehow everything in my life was fake and wrong. It was a terrifying situation to be in, it was about 45 minutes to an hour of panic attack and it was exhausting. 

My boyfriend ended up calling in sick to work the next day for me because I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. But I did some uni work that day and I made dinner and I did stuff, I think that's okay.

Friday I went to my lecture at 9, I then went straight home instead of to our Digital Magazine meeting because we were meant to be having someone from management visiting our house but they'd called in sick so I went to have lunch and get some work done and go to another seminar in the afternoon then a Sonar Media meeting then I went home and I've never been more grateful for it - I needed a night in and I had it.

On Saturday I only just managed to take 1000 steps in the day and I spent most of the day organising picking up some sofas I'd purchased on Friday night and hiring a van and making a lot of brainstorm spider diagrams for uni work and Sonar Film work.

Everything is super busy and I think it's going to take me a couple more weeks to get to grips with a routine and putting it all together but I've asked to have less hours at work, I'm getting ahead on Sonar Film stuff and I hope I'm keeping on top of all of my assignments.

But my focus for Week 3 is getting to the doctors and getting help.

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